Mz Bratt - Who Do You Think You Are? (AATW)
Since this is the worst week for single releases in the history of recorded music, what might have been a not-bad first effort last week suddenly sounds like Crazy In Love. Mz Bratt (Be Real And Teach Truth, yeah?) comes from the same hit factory as Cascada and N-Dubz, and with this snappy slur on overly tactile suitors, she could be as massive as either of them. If you've ever wondered what Lady Sov would be like with the perma-sulk removed - and haven't we all - then here's your answer.
Metro Station - Seventeen Forever (Sony BMG)
There are many best bad things about Seventeen Forever. One is that the singer is called Trace (Cyrus, brother of Miley, spawn of Billy Ray). Another is that if Trace was just a bit older, his ode to there being nothing awry in a spot of youthful loving would be slightly R Kelly-Aaliyah wrong. Finally, there's the weird Twilight fever that's turned this song into a target for R-Patz stalking crews - the net is full of theories that this is "like so totally omg perfect about Bella n Edwardz luv and should be in all the movies like obvs!!!!" Despite such plus points, this sounds like someone has pressed the demo key on a Bontempi and sang a Fall Out Boy b-side over the top.
Lemonade - Big Weekend (Sunday Best)
Like Girls and the Virgins before them, but without the XXX risk, Lemonade are a tricky band to Google. To add to the confusion, their MySpace URL is not "/lemonadetheband" or anything sensible like that, but "/bananasandecstasy", and, in spite of being from San Francisco, the singer sounds like Shaun Ryder on a binge. Bobbing up and down on the sea of pleasantly mindless PlayStation rave is one of the only semi-lucid lines, which could possibly be "coconut sex". And that really would make it a big weekend. Lilt suddenly feels so smutty.
Green Day - 21 Guns (Warner)
On ER years ago, when Dr Anspaugh's teenage son died of leukemia, Jeanie stood up at his funeral and sang Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) and cried, and that showed that Green Day could do choked-up ballads as well as they could do punk pop about the munchies. But 21 Guns couldn't soundtrack a throat-swab on Doctors - it would be too long at half the length, it's bloated with insincere platitudes ("Do you know what we're fighting for when it's not worth dying for?") and the only point of interest is that Billie Joe Armstrong looks an awul lot like Shane from The L Word in the video.
The Twang - Barney Rubble (B-Unique)
That Twang singer is a cheeky chap. Sadly his girlfriend doesn't go weak at the knees when he calls himself a "double trouble Barney Rubble", which is reasonable because it sounds like a Big Brother auditionee's tape mantra circa 2005. So she bins him, which leaves us with an ambling Coldplay-go-funky moan about how he wishes she hadn't done that because he quite liked her, sob sob. It's soppy enough to counteract the pints and fights image they accidentally cultivated last time around, but if this is all the bite they've got left, you can see why she's not coming back.
