Kanye West
All Of The Lights (Mercury)
The musical equivalent of trying to sneak off for a post-work Friday drink and ending up awkwardly having to invite the whole office ("Oh yeah, we're just having one round the corner, of course you're welcome"), Kanye seems to have ended up with 11 mates in the studio, including Elton John, Alicia Keys, Kid Cudi, Elly Jackson of La Roux, Fergie, The-Dream, John Legend and Rihanna. Amazingly, it doesn't turn out to be an A-list version of So Solid Crew's 21 Seconds. But it is all about Rihanna's chorus and Kanye giving you a quick run down of his favourite lights: "Cop lights/Flash lights/Spot lights/Strobe lights/Street lights". In ascending order, we imagine.
Pink
Fuckin' Perfect (LaFace)
What's that, Pink? You grew up feeling like an outcast, hate girls who made fun of you, but learned to love yourself in the end because you're an individual? Why not make that into a song? Or indeed, a career? The video for Fuckin' Perfect – which starts with an awkward sex scene, then skips merrily through self harm and ends up with the second most graphic suicide-in-a-bath scene in pop – could belong to any track from Pink's Missundaztood album, so you might as well just pop Don't Let Me Get Me on repeat and save yourself the emotional rollercoaster.
Magnetic Man Feat John Legend
Getting Nowhere (Sony)
Coming soon to a scene in Skins, soul singer John Legend's creepy vocals blend surprisingly well with the music Mike Skinner wishes he was still making. In fact, what we believe to be our favourite tribute to a night bus ("Almost there almost there/Feel like we're getting nowhere") is so good, we'll ignore the fact that it's not as dubstep as that dubstep bit in the Britney single – the barometer for all dubstep from now on.
The Script
If You Ever Come Back (Sony)
In what is frankly an irresponsible approach to personal safety and energy saving, the Script offer to leave the door on the latch and the kettle on, just in case their ex ever wants to return. Might we suggest she's already gone off with that bloke she swore she never fancied but did always mention now you think about it, all because he didn't force this dull song on her?
Beady Eye
The Roller (Beady Eye)
You might not recognise this three-and-a-half minutes of what future generations will see as a massive leap forward in our culture. But mark this day in your diaries, because this song – which sounds like will.i.am has travelled to the year 3098 and collaborated with aliens – will change how we see music forever. Not really. It's just standard Oasis from 1996, and over the guitars, we think we can hear the faint sound of Damon Albarn laughing.
