Spare a thought for the music critic this Christmas, for whom the festive period is not “the most wonderful time of the year”, but rather a whole new circle of hell. Even listened to while off your knockers on sherry, Kylie Christmas is a confusing package: the first three songs are orchestral, big-band numbers delivered with all the joie de vivre of a Sainsbury’s advert. Then it gives up entirely on that genre, and fires off random collaboration ideas that border on Monkey Tennis territory: a cover of Christmas Wrapping with Iggy Pop; a version of Yazoo’s Only You with James Corden. Mercifully, we are spared Kylie’s interpretation of Low’s Just Like Christmas featuring Angela Merkel; instead it abruptly moves on to new material. And when an album’s highlight is a song penned by Chris Martin – delivered in the style of previous songs penned by Chris Martin – you start to question the merriness of this particular Christmas.