Troye Sivan

Take Yourself Home

Troye Sivan’s latest moody bop is a top-tier lockdown anthem, perfect for police officers to yell at people in parks while chucking water over their BBQs and shouting about social distancing. Worryingly, the last 40 seconds move from tech house to drum’n’bass adjacent. We cannot let D&B make a comeback while we’re all locked inside and powerless to stop it!

Major Lazer ft Marcus Mumford

Lay Your Head on Me

Here comes the fourth horseman of the apocalypse: a Diplo/Mumford collaboration. A combination that’s seemingly been randomly picked out of a hat, but if that hat only contained the names of artists whose vibe is “borrowing another culture’s music and smoothing any edges off”. Imagine if someone who’d only heard Lean On twice tried to recreate it using only a tropical house sample and a vocal delivered with all the enthusiasm of a celebrity message on Cameo.

Lindsay Lohan

Back to Me

Lindsay’s first music in 15 years – time flies when you’re doing literally anything but listening to Lindsay Lohan’s back catalogue – has been cleverly produced to disguise as much of her voice as possible. But, aside from the fact she’s chosen literally the worst time to launch a club track, lyrics about Sundays feeling like Mondays are very much A Mood right now, so congratulations LiLo!

Hailee Steinfeld

I Love You’s

Not an Annie Lennox “remix”. Not now. What we don’t need at this exact moment is a cover of No More I Love You’s with new, sweary verses blaming a variety of things for a breakup including falling asleep with makeup on and time zones. Maybe the real reason was your attempt to ruin a classic song. Go to a different time zone and think about what you’ve done.

5 Seconds of Summer

Wildflower

There are exactly two things 5SoS’s Wildflower could be about: a really horny trip to Kew Gardens, where the “overflowin’ waterfalls” and “wildflowers” really did it for them; or the band just really want us to know they’ve had sex and need to communicate that through a series of tenuous euphemisms. A real mystery for the ages.